Monster House!

Loyal readers: I apologize that I have not been more active in my posting lately. As you may know, I am in the process of buying my first home, and I am terrified.

The other night I was watching a terrible foreign horror movie about a family that carves a statue of a child out of a tree stump, only to have it come to life and start eating people. That night, I had another dream of epic import.

So, without further ado: Dream #2

I was in the house, half moved-in, when through the heating ducts came the tentacles of a monster. I knew it was a monster, similar to the one from the evening’s film, there to destroy me and devour my family.

I fought back against this creature, as it wormed its way through the grates. I used knives to cut off the tentacles before they could take hold of me and drag me down. But in doing so, I learned the true identity of the menace.

Broccoli!

The creature that threatened me, my family and my home was my arch-enemy. Though I was tireless in my efforts to thwart my old foe, there was just too much monster for me to prevail. That’s when I got re-enforcements.

Tom Freidman of the New York Times arrived with ice-cube trays filled with the herbicide “round-up”, which we dropped down the grates. This killed the monster, reducing it to a rotten, half-gelatinous goop similar to what you might find in your refrigerator if you miss your annual clean-out a few times in a row.

Mr. Freidman’s assistant, Eric Idle, arrived and climbed down one of the vents to investigate what had become of the vegetable menace. According to him, the monster was not man-sized. It filled half the basement, and was melting.

I woke up in a cold-sweat wondering how I was going to get that much rotten broccoli mess out of my basement.

See? I dream of things more terrifying than bimbos.