Balding men of the world unite!

I think that my people are divided unnecessarily on a number of issues, and that has lead to our persecution and self-recriminations.

The most egregious culprits, without a doubt, are lawyers.

I was walking to work this morning, and I saw a man with among the worst comb-overs in modern history. His hair was fuzzy and teased out so it had maximum “coverage.” And that hair, what there was of it, was combed all the way from his neck and ears to “cover” the top of his head. The kicker was that he was wearing a very expensive suit and carrying a briefcase, so there is no doubt that he was a lawyer.

Come on, guys, you have the least to lose by being exposed as bald. You’re already rich. All your half-assed cover-ups do is embarrass you, and the rest of our people by making thinning hair seem like something to be ashamed of.

So, here today, I am making the following call to arms: Gentlemen, we’re not fooling anybody. If you are over the age of 25 and employing a comb-over of laughable proportions, give it up. If you are under 25 years of age, then that’s just a bummer and you get a special exception to the rule.

But, gentlemen, we can’t do this alone.

Ladies, we need your help. Guys try to pretend they have hair because you demand it. Let’s face facts, if dressing like a chicken got guys laid, we would all be doing it. Patrick Stewart and Sean Connery can top the list of “sexiest men,” but they are the exception. I call on women to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. Join my crusade against the comb-over and hair replacement. Accept bald men!

All ye of exposed scalps, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Just be careful in the summer. Sunburn up top is a pain.